the relic (1997)

"Something's wrong... This brain is light - even for a man."
A museum in Chicago has an unwelcome visitor, that has a taste for a select part of the human brain, and homicide detective Vincent D'Agosta (Tom Sizemore) tries to find out who. He's joined in the hunt by evolutionary biologist Dr. Green (Penelope Ann Miller), both hoping to get to the bottom of who, or what, is doing all the chomping.
Taut thriller, with good character development, that makes for an eminently watchable creature feature.

ladies who do (1963)

"It's uncanny. How does he do it?"
A cleaner (Peggy Mount), lucks onto some insider information, and through her contact The Colonel (Robert Morley), makes a tidy sum. This sets them thinking that if they went in with her fellow cleaners, they could all make some money. Then when she finds out one of her bosses (Harry H. Corbett) has bought her street and plans to knock it down to build flats, the scheme takes on a more earnest turn.
Clichéd look at the East End in 1963, full of self made men determined to 'improve' the lot of the working classes by breaking up communities and scattering them to the winds. But this still proves to be an entertaining comedy, all be it, not one that will have you rolling in the aisles.

slaughter of the vampires (1962)

aka La strage dei vampiri. Curse of the Blood Ghouls. Curses of the Ghouls.
"In nature there is good and bad..."
Wolfgang (Walter Brandi) has a problem, his castle has become the residence of a vampire (Dieter Eppler), and what's more, a vampire that has taken a fancy to his wife Louise (Graziella Granata).
With acting that veers from wooden to over the top, and a script to match, this is neither a classic or camp enough to merit more than a passing glance.

anaconda (1997)

"Where is he taking us?"
A documentary crew, (including Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube), pick up a local hunter (Jon Voight) whilst journeying up the Amazon in an attempt to find a lost tribe. Unfortunately for them the hunter has other plans, involving catching a giant anaconda, and he needs their boat to do so, but obviously the Anaconda has other plans, not wanting to become a zoo exhibit.
Formulaic, but entertaining, if only for Voight's leering performance.

the blue eyes Of the broken doll (1976)

aka Los ojos azules de la muñeca rota. House of Psychotic Women. The House of Doom.
"We're nobodies, absolutely nothing."
Gilles (Paul Naschy) is taken on as caretaker by three strange sisters, who own a large estate. Michelle (Inés Morales) is paraplegic, Claude (Dina Lorys) has a deformed hand, and Nicole (Eva Léon), a vamp who wastes no time in getting hands on with the staff! Gilles in turn seduces Claude, but is plagued with nightmares that feature him strangling women. But more troubling is the arrival of a serial killer targeting blonde, blue-eyed women, whose eyes he takes, but why?
Atmospheric, meandering, but intriguing tale, littered with clues and macguffin's.

dawn of the dead (2004)

"I don't want to die here."
Ana (Sarah Polley), a nurse working nights, clocks off and goes to sleep, missing the zombie outbreak. When she awakes her world has turned upside-down. In need of somewhere secure and away from the zombies, she stumbles on and takes shelter in a mall with Kenneth (Ving Rhames) and a number of others.
Re-versioning the original, and providing enough changes to make it an entertaining watch. Its main innovation being that the zombies now have lightning reactions, upping the anti on the previous versions.

piranha 3dd (2012)

"I'm not afraid of some punk ass water."
The Piranha are back to terrorise the teens at a newly re-opened water park, co-owned by Maddy (Danielle Panabaker). Helped by her friends Barry (Matt Bush) and Kyle (Chris Zylka), they look for a way to stop the shoal from snacking on her patrons.
Gross out teen comedy wrapped around the well known fish story wreaking havoc on said teens. Enlivened by some fine cameo's, but its still not a patch on those that went before.

day of the dead (2008)

aka Day of the Dead: The Need to Feed. "Nothing happens in this town anyway."
A small Colorado town is quarantined by the army, in what they are calling a routine exercise, bt in reality military scientists have developed a virolant virus that soon turns much of the towns inhabitants into flesh devouring zombies. Holding out are a small group of survivors led by Sarah Bowman (Mena Suvari), but can they survive until help arrives, if help is arriving at all. Good special effects only serve to show the rest of this film up, for what it is, a half arsed attempt to leach off the good name of the original Day of the Dead.

leviathan (1989)

"I know this now... the Russians deliberately sank that ship to protect themselves. Maybe to protect us all."
An undersea mining facility comes across a sunken Russian sub, the Leviathan. A sub that looks like it has been deliberately sunk. But it's only when one of the crew drinks some vodka from the wreak that the trouble starts, as the crewman starts to genetically modify, and is hungry for blood.
Mix The Thing with Alien and add a dash of The Abyss, and you have this unremarkable thriller.

incubus (1982)

"I've been having these dreams..."
Sheriff (John Ireland) and doctor Sam Cordell (John Cassavetes) investigate a series of sexual murders. Meanwhile Sam's daughter Jenny (Erin Noble) is friends with Tim (Duncan McIntosh) who complains that he has nightmares about rape and murder and believes that he his the killer.
Tense detective thriller, which unfortunately doesn't hold up.

zombie holocaust (1980)

aka Zombi Holocaust. Dr. Butcher M.D. Dr. Butcher, Medical Deviate. Zombie 3.
"I could easily kill you now, but I'm determined to have your brain!"
Body parts are being taken from a New York city hospital and Lori Ridgeway (Alexandra Delli Colli) finds a clue linking it to a remote tribe on the Moliccas Island. She then tags along when Dr. Peter Chandler (Ian McCulloch) organises an expedition, but once there they soon become involved with cannibals, zombies and a mad scientist.
Standard cannibal flick, that flips into zombie mode two thirds of the way through.

eaten alive (1980)

"It's like going back 5000 years to the stone age."
When her sister goes missing in wilst following a cult leader in the New Guinea jungle, Shiela (Janet Agren) goes after her. She enlists the help of Mark Butler (Robert Kerman), and they enter the interior, full of cobra's, cannibals and cultists.
Cheap video nasty, full of the usual animal cruelty. The actual story rattles along at a pace, from cannibal sacrifices to animals being disemboweled alive - pretty standard fare for a cannibal film.

antropophagus (1980)

aka Anthropophagous: The Beast.
"It's like a nightmare. What could have happened?"
Some friends are touring the Greek islands and arrive at one where everyone of the inhabitants seem to have disappeared. Unfortunately for them its due to an insane killer, intent on thinning out the population.
One of the original video nasties, this is a very basic stalk and slash, which has little plot and leaves little to the imagination, but this is probably its strength. What you see is what you get, long bouts of nothingness, followed by shocking gore.

prometheus (2012)

"This place isn't what we thought it was."
When a team of scientists find clues to what they think are the origins of mankind, they are prompted to journey to a forbidding part of the universe to find the answers. Little do they know what monstrosities are awaiting them there, or who is funding their trip.
Spectacular and dumb sci-fi, where one has to accept that we can develop spacecraft and techniques to travel vast distances through space, but can also neglect the most basic of hygiene and safety procedures.

cockneys vs zombies (2012)

"Have some of this twinkle toes."
A couple of muppets are undertaking a bank robbery when London is overrun with a load of zombies. So they decide to head over to their granddad's OAP home to rescue him, quick sharpish. Fortunately for them their granddad is a right tasty geezer and a dab hand at dishing it out.
Wonderfully gory horror comedy, which makes a feature of the fact that much of the East End already looks like zombies have attacked it. Not all the jokes hit their mark, but most do, and there's enough claret to satisfy most gorehounds.

siege of the saxons (1963)

"...the secret only King Arthur and I have known."
Edmund of Cornwall (Ronald Howard) has his soldiers slay King Arthur, but his daughter Katherine (Janette Scott) escapes, aided by outlaw Robert Marshall (Ronald Lewis), and Merlin (John Laurie). Claiming she is dead Edmund makes ready to usurp the throne in league with Saxon invaders. Katherine and Robert need to find wise man Merlin to help them save Camelot and England.
Run of the mill Arthurian adventure, damsel in distress, helped to regain her thrown by a Robin Hood'esque outlaw.

from the earth to the moon (1958)

"...you're a scienist and there is a whole universe to be explored."
The 1880's and weapon's manufacturer Victor Barbicane (Joseph Cotten) has hit on a fantastic way to market his new explosive; to fire a missile to the moon. But following disquiet from all the governments of the world, he decides instead to build a ship, in which he can not only get to the moon, but also return, but when he approaches arch-rival Stuyvesant Nicholl (George Sanders) to help him, he gets more than he bargains for.
From a Jules Verne story, this is charmless, high budget, and slow; prone to much philosophical discussion, and lacking the adventure it promises.

horrors of the black museum (1959)

"I know I am sensitive to murder."
Edmond Bancroft (Michael Gough), is a novelist who prides himself on how accurate he is when reporting crimes. He hits on the perfect way to do this, hypnotising his assistant into committing the crimes. But as people start to connect him to the crimes, he has to start getting his own hands dirty...
Gough gives his usual over the top performance, exactly what is needed to make this schlock work. Shocking viewing at the time, this has not weathered well, and makes for tame, though entertaining viewing now.

and give us our daily sex (1979)

aka El periscopio.
"At your age it's very common."
sex comedy about a young lad that lives in an apartment below two young nurses, (including Laura Gemser), and his attempts to spy on them with a home made periscope.
Uninspired, and patchy at best; only for those desperate to see more of Laura Gemser or love listening to cocktail jazz soundtracks.

beginning of the end (1957)

"A town of 150 people doesn't just disappear."
Reporter Audrey Ames (Peggie Castle) stumbles on a small town that has been mysteriously destroyed. During follow up interviews she talks to Agricultural scientist Dr. Ed Wainwright (Peter Graves) and they discover that locust have eaten some radioactive wheat and grown enormous. Once found the creatures decide to tour Illinois, starting with a trip to Chicago. As usual the military want to nuke everything, can Audrey and Ed stop the creature before the air-force can make a black hole of home of the blues?
Standard atomic creature feature, lots of talk, a few screams, giant creatures chomping on people, and one stand out feature, the central character being an intrepid female reporter, though she gets quickly ditched in favour of Peter Graves when the action begins.

the night the world exploded (1957)

"There's an earthquake brewing, and it's a bg one."
When Dr. Conway (William Leslie) develops a machine that predicts when earthquakes will hit, he, and his beautiful (and obviously in love with him) female assistant Hutch (Kathryn Grant), head to Carlsbad Caverns to try and ascertain what is the cause of the recent earthquake. What they find is a new element, and forces unknown that seem to be manipulating it to explode the world.
Engaging B-flick, which cracks along at a pace, probably in the hope that we wouldn't notice the cheap script or props, but hell, ain't that the reason we watch these?

vampire vs vampire (1989)

aka Yi mei dao ren. New Mr Vampire 2. Mr Vampire 5: Vampire Vs Vampire.
"So there really are bats in the church."
A Taoist Priest (Ching-Ying Lam) has to fight a European style vampire, resistant to his tricks and spells, and with only two bumbling disciples for help. Meanwhile his apprentices have managed to release a vampire of their own. Happily this one is Chinese and a child and intent on mischief only.
Unfortunately this plays far too heavily on the mildly comedic, and only comes to life when the evil vampire is released and it launches into the action for its last half hour.

king kong lives (1986)

aka King Kong II. "She's pregnant!" Scientists discover a giant female Gorilla, ten years after King Kong has lapsed into a coma. This enables vets to bring him back from the dead, and with a blood transfusion and heart transplant, Kong looses no time in continuing the carnage, and attempt to win himself a bride. It's down to keepers Hank Mitchell & Amy Franklin (Brian Kerwin & Linda Hamilton) to stop the military from harming them. A sequel to the 1974 re-make, and with this pedigree you'd expect it to be bad, but surprisingly this has high production values and turns out ok, (if not a patch on the originals).

alice in wonderland (1915)

"From the queen an invitation to play croquet."
Alice (Viola Savoy) falls asleep and undertakes a journey into her imagination, meeting a fantastical set of creatures whilst there.
For its time this is a wonderful surrealist creation.

flavia the heritic (1974)

aka Flavia, la monaca musulmana. Flavia the Rebel Nun. Flavia, Priestess of Violence. Flavia: Heretic Priestess. The Heretic. The Muslim Nun. The Rebel Nun. "Why is God mad?"
Flavia (Florinda Bolkan), a young nun, questions the scriptures and rules that bind her as a woman and a bride of Christ, and seeing the pain and suffering inflicted on women by men, she rebels when a Muslim army storms the convent, and joins them to exact revenge.
A well made exploitation, with vibrant cinematography, that throws in some feminist critique alongside its condemnation of the Catholic church.

prince of darkness (1987)

"Faith is a hard thing to come by these days."
A group of scientists are recruited by a priest (Donald Pleasence) to investigate a malevolent goo that had been kept in secret in the basement of a church. Could it actually be Satan, held captive?
Interesting premise, that maintains a slow, brooding unease, but never really scares.

emanuelle's revenge (1975)

aka Emanuelle e Françoise le sorelline. Blood Vengeance. Demon Rage.
"Why does love bring so much pain, so much hatred?"
Françoise (Patrizia Gori) commits suicide after suffering years of abuse at the hands of her husband, Carlo (George Eastman). Her sister Emanuelle (Rose Marie Lindt) only finds this out at the inquest and sets out to avenge her. The obvious solution is to toy with him before chaining him up in her house and forcing him to watch her having sex!
Shot through with those exploitation essentials, a funky soundtrack, (courtesy of Gianni Marchetti), bright and breezy visuals, and themes of depravity, obsession and revenge. This unerotic thriller also flirts with Giallo as much as with Sexploitation.

viva django (1968)

aka Preparati la bara! Django Sees Red. Django, Prepare a Coffin. Get the Coffin Ready.
"I've only one thing left, hate."
Django (Terence Hill) is left for dead when a gold shipment he is guarding is ambushed. Whilst plotting his revenge he comes up with a novel way of recruiting a gang of his own. He becomes a hangman, saving innocent men, and sets them against the gang that tried to kill him. Unfortunately, whilst saving the wife of one of his men, the husband decides he would rather keep some of the gold for himself...
whilst not a patch on the original Django, this still trots along nicely, with enough variants and twists to keep the viewer happy.

the man who could cheat death (1956)

"What is death that it should be feared so much?"
Dr. Bonner (Anton Diffring) has found a way to live forever, but to do so necessitates regular human gland transplants, and when a woman who has modeled for him goes missing, people start to get suspicious about his ever youthful appearance.
A remake of 'The Man in Half Moon Street' that gathers together a number of Hammer stars, including Christopher Lee, in a rare outing as the hero, and Hazel Court as the damsel in distress. Much talk, and little action renders this a lesser, though still entertaining Hammer.

the funhouse (1981)

"We witnessed a murder man, they are gonna try and kill us."
When four teenagers stay overnight in a carnival fun-house, they inadvertently see a murder, and are subsequently stalked by the killer and his dad.
Fun stalk and slash, that takes a while to get going, but is never flags.

halloween II (1981)

"You don't know what death is."
Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence) arrives in the nick of time to save Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) from her brother, but having emptied 6 bullets into him, Michael disappears. Meanwhile Laurie is rushed to hospital. I wonder where Michael will head? Yep - the hospital!
Continuing on directly from the first film, this sequel launches straight into the action, but just doesn't match the suspense of the first.

night mail (1936)

"letters for the rich, letters for the poor..."
Directors Watt and Wright, produce a visual poem, to complement the audio written by WH Auden, highlighting the work of the mail train from London to Scotland. A tour de force in the documentary realm.

the pizza miracle (2010)

aka the madonna of the eels. La Madonna delle Anguille.
"You don't care do you."
A young man has a vision and looses his ability to fish for eels, and thus his livelihood. Cut to Daniel (Matt Berry) debating with his dead father about the story, and his dedication to pizza making.
Funny and Poignant treatise on relationships.

day of the fight (1951)

"Before a fight there's always that last look in the mirror. Time to wonder what it will reflect tomorrow."
Documentary that follows middleweight boxer Walter Cartier, on the day of his bout with middleweight Bobby James.
Based on Kubrick's 'prizefighter' pictorial for Look Magazine, this has the look of a photographer's eye.

the flying padre (1951)

"There's no brass band here, no cheering crowds, no newspaper men clamoring for a headline - just an ambulance driver, an anxious mother, a sick baby and their priest."
Documentary charting two days in the life of a New Mexican parish priest. Nothing interesting here, apart from it being an early insight into the work of Stanley Kubrick, who would go onto bigger and better things.

black hooker (1974)

aka Street Sisters. Black Mama, Don't Leave Go My Hand.
"it's not my responsibility."
A young boy (Teddy Quinn) grows up estranged from his hooker mother, unloved. As an adult (Durey Mason) he finds nothing but disappointment,compounded when he meets his mother (Sandra Alexandra) appealing for help.
Strange entry into the Blacksploitation canon, being more of a rural melodrama, marketed as blackspoitation. Whatever it is, it's overwrought and stilted.

psycho beach party (2000)

"Don't give me no sass, it was a gass."
Florence Forrest (Lauren Ambrose) becomes 'Chicklet' when she begins hanging around on the beach with the surfers, but at times she becomes Ann, her sexually aggressive alter ego. To complicate things a series of murders are occurring, could it be that Ann could be involved?
Spoof of 60's Beach Party/Gidget surfing movies, with a dash of horror. Likeable film, that satirizes these films without malice.

son of paleface (1952)

"This sounds like an intellectual joint."
Junior Potter (Bob Hope), is the titular son, who arrives in Sawbuck Pass to claim his inheritance. Unfortunately there isn't any, and the whole town is owed money by his father and expects to be paid. He then finds more trouble in the shape of Mike (Jane Russell), the head of a gang of outlaws, but help is on hand though with Marshal Roy Barton (Roy Rogers).
A fine follow up to The Paleface.

amazonia: the catherine miles story (1985)

aka Cannibal Holocaust 2: The Catherine Miles Story. Forest Slave. White Slave. Schiave bianche: violenza in Amazzonia.
"whatever you enjoy it." A young woman (Elvire Audray) relives her story in court, of how she endured the sight of her parents being slaughtered, and being captured by headhunters and taken into the Amazonian forest.
Standard cannibal exploitation fare, naked women, gore and lots of animals cruelty.

cherry falls (2000)

"I need to ask you a personnel question."
A killer is offing the pupils of a high school, seemingly based on their being virgins. This knowledge is announced to the parents by the sheriff (Michael Biehn) , and when this gets out to the students, they decide to organise a sex party to eliminate themselves from the killers focus. At the same time the sheriff's daughter Jody (Brittany Murphy) decides to investigate, and stumbles on a 27 year old secret...
A post modern twist on the stalk and slash, that cuts to the chase pretty damn quick, and is still essentially an enjoyable horror, but what lifts it above others of the genre is not its supposed satirical take, but the presence of Britney Murphy.

the paleface (1948)

"Keep traveling."
Calamity Jane (Jane Russell) goes undercover to find who has been selling rifles to the Indians, along the way she hitches up with innocent dupe Peter Potter (Bob Hope) as part of her cover.
Russell provides the gun slinging action, whilst Hope provides the fish out of water comedy. And both prove to be fine at it.

mr. moto's last warning (1939)

"Moto, I'm beginning to believe all the stories I've heard about you."
Some international agents are planning to blow up a French ship off Egypt, in order to blame the British and precipitate a world war.
A fine end and unexpected to the series, as a Japanese hero was unwanted once WWII got underway.

battle creek brawl (1980)

aka the big brawl.
"
Jerry (Jackie Chan), a young Asian American is forced to participate in a brutal street-fight competition.
Jackie's first attempt to break America unfortunately lacked his usual stunt team, and comedy, turning this into a run of the mill actioner, following which Jackie wandered back to Hong Kong.

the house of fear (1945)

aka Sherlock Holmes and the House of Fear.
"Stick with us, we'll make you a detective yet!"
Holmes & Watson (Basil Rathbone & Nigel Bruce) investigate a case where a number of deaths are preceded by the victims receiving an envelope of orange pips.
One of the strongest of the universal Holmes films, providing a fine mystery at a rattling pace.

mary millington's striptease extravagansa (1981)

"They've sunk a lot of money into this place, we're all going digging for it later."
David Sullivan again exploits his connection to Mary Millington by tacking her name onto this film of a striptease competition, which is compared by comedian Bernie Winters.
Inept in every way, this demeans the word sexploitation.

hobson's choice (1954)

"Good head for business your daughter..."
Henry Hobson (Charles Laughton), a widower, runs a successful bootmaker's shop, and three disgruntled daughters, as he is determined none will marry, and leave him to fend for himself. But Hobson comes up against an immoveable object, in daughter Maggie (Brenda de Banzie). For Maggie has found Will Mossop (John Mills), the best leather worker in Salford, and has a plan to make her father allow her marriage.
A class production all round, from the script, through direction and especially the acting. All combine to make it a delight to watch the story unfold.

response (1974)

Introduced with a caption that notes that what we are about to see is an 8mm short film of Mary Millington that was sold in sex shops and mail order. What we get is a woman fantasizing about Mary whilst making out with a man.
Standard British 70's soft-core, bought for the promise of something the film would never deliver.

face to face (1967)

aka Faccia a faccia.
"I want to ride with you."
History teacher Brad Fletcher (Gian Maria Volonté), moves west for the sake of his health and meets outlaw Solomon 'Beauregard' Bennet (Tomas Milian). Fascinated by Bennet's way of life Fletcher quickly becomes involved, bringing his book smarts to the gangs activities. Unfortunately one of the gang is actually a Pinkerton man (William Berger), determined to disrupt their best laid plans.
Entertaining western that concentrates on the moral conflicts of the two major characters, (whilst still throwing in lots of action), where one becomes more civilized, the other falling prey to his more bestial instincts.

the white room (1989)

"This is what the KLF are all about..."
King Boy D and Rockman Rock decide to journey to the dusty Spanish plains in search of the white room.
The KLF, awash with money and time on their hands, decide to spend it making a road movie, for no other reason than that they could. If you enjoy their mix of ambient and house, then this is a diverting wallpaper to the music, otherwise there is little to hold your attention. Unreleased and unfinished, this is another milestone in the mythologizing of the Justified and Ancients.

playbirds (1978)

aka David Sullivan's The Playbirds. The Playbird Murders.
"Pornography is the heroin of the soul and people must be protected from it."
David Sullivan manages to rope in a number of familiar faces, (including Dudley Sutton), into this crime drama; a starring vehicle for Mary Millington. She gets to show off her bad acting, and a lot more, as she plays a police officer who goes undercover in the world of porn, to find a killer.
As usual Sullivan manages to produce an unsexy, and stilted drama, that could only make money in the sexually repressed British cinema of the 70's.